Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
