nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
