How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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