I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
