Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
