I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
