Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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