So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
