I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
