So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
