you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just found a bag of teeth...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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