i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
