why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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