I'd wear matching sweaters with you
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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