Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
