dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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