I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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