Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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