I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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