I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
