I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
