i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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