he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
