I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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