I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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