If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
