i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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