How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
