Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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