i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
