Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
