Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
