3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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