you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
