I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
