On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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