No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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