coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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