if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize