He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
