You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
