there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I will pee on everything he values.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
