I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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