Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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