This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize