I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
