I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
