Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
