help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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