Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
