I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
