Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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