So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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