My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
