If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
