so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
