Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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