There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
