Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
