i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
