once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
