You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
