yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
