i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
