youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
