i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize