I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
